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[personal profile] mtbc
Unexpected developments left me with more vacation time for this calendar year than I had initially expected. I figured that I should finally perform a filial duty and take my parents' ashes on perhaps a last visit to Cornwall for me and scatter them there. I am conscious of how much of my thinking is, on its face, irrational. For example, whom does this trip benefit? It is not as if I believe in an afterlife. So much of what I believe turns out to arise simply from received wisdom about how one ought to behave. Rational or not, it seems the right thing to do so I have now made the related bookings for the middle of fall after the summer vacation folks will be long gone.

I also hope to move further toward sorting through my parents' photographs. I took backups of their hard drives and flash drives before I wiped them but had left things there. My work is on software for organizing, annotating and sharing one's images so I may as well start clearing the obvious clutter from my parents' data then arrange the remainder using the software I work on. I can't help but be reminded of Roy Batty's, All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. I won't even know where some of their photographs were taken or of whom.

As usual, I follow what my instinct tells me: I shall preserve and eventually organize my parents' photographs. Regardless of if it is a good thing to do, it might be quite interesting. I will try not to trouble myself over what meaning those photographs had for them or that others should think similarly.

As a teenager I was beset by existential angst that had me reading authors from Dostoyevsky to Sartre for clues to how to give my life any meaning. In my thirties I was struck by a deep depression that took me years to climb out of. That healing process changed me and, among other things, somewhat inoculated me against despair. It's partly a matter of perception. The things that matter to me will someday be forgotten by all. I must accept that, whatever their value, the old things pass and make way for the new.

I have been happy to leave these inherited items alone, to procrastinate considerably. As well as the photographs from the computers I still have some physical items that I inherited, such as my father's coat which is presently in the attic. Likewise, I preserve the physical items but am in no rush to engage with them. It will get easier with time.

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Mark T. B. Carroll

June 2025

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